I have a blog now, is it 1994 already?
Yeah, apparently the first blog ever was created in 1994, I had to google that shit.
By the way, today is Christmas Eve, so Merry Christmas, I'll be spending most of it in my Studio or playing video games.
So why do I have a blog now?
Just writing the word blog, makes me fucking cringe.
But I think a talk with a friend of mine a couple of days ago triggered the idea.
I always enjoyed writing, just not enough to make it my job, but I do enjoy it on my own terms.
And don't worry this is not really about me sharing my clever thoughts with you, or teaching you important life lessons, this is more selfish. It's like a time capsule, or a trash can for my dumb thoughts. There will be no structure, no theme, it could be non-fiction, fictional, shit that bugs me... fuck I don't know, until I started typing this sentence I didn't even think about it to be honest.
So I guess, what ever happens here, just happens, don't overthink it. This is my Vegas.
I doubt I'll promote this is any way, since, well, this is basically just an outlet for myself.
Unless I feel like a specific post could be helpful for someone, but I don't know, maybe I'll never write another post after this one...
And I won't bug you with "Hey I wrote some new clever shit, look at it" emails or whatever.
So if for some reason you found this on your own, or if after all I sent you this because you're close to me, welcome.
Yeah I could've used Wordpress, properly design and implement it into my website, but honestly I was too lazy and at the end of the day, who gives a shit?
Maybe if I actually use this more, I might...
I guess all the stuff I just wrote was a justification for myself why I'm even doing this, or I'm trying to figure it out, so just ignore it.
Alright, now that that's out of the way...
... like I said, today is Christmas Eve and I'm in Germany.
I used to love coming here for Christmas, but due to my mother's Alzheimer's, it doesn't feel like a holiday really. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even know it's Christmas Eve... actually, I know she doesn't.
Even while I'm typing these words, I can hear her aggressive self talk echoing through the hallway, just hearing that sound already fucks with me...
This morning when my mom and I had the same conversation loop for the 27th time in the past two days, I started looking into flights back to LA, and I'm glad that triggered it because I found a really cheap flight back home. It was supposed to happen that way.
Yeah I guess you (and me) can already tell that this is going to be pretty personal (well, now that it's on the internet it's a little less personal, or at least less private), but whatever.
One thing's for sure though, as much as the situation with my mother sucks, it's definitely going to give me a lot of creative energy that I can draw from for many years to come.
When I think back to my parent's divorce, that's kind of what made me start making music.
I was only 12 making music on my Amiga 500, that's all I gave a shit about at that time, and definitely what kept my half way sane. While my friends started drinking alcohol and experimenting with drugs, all I wanted to do was make music.
Ironically I was making music mainly known for being consumed together with drugs.
Which back then, even unconsciously, taught me the importance of having an outlet, and it's not even about sharing what you came up with.
I mean, if you do and people like what you created that's great.
But in my 37 years on this planet, the feeling of creating something out of nothing, that you are happy with and that you still enjoy the morning after, is unbeatable.
It has always been my approach that whatever I do, wether it's music, writing, film, or whatever else I feel like doing, I do it for me first, after all I am my own worst critic, and if I feel like sharing it because I like the way it turned out and some one else likes it, cool, if they don't like it, just as cool.
I do feel sorry for people who create "art" simply because they want to be famous.
In fact, if I could keep doing what I love for the rest of my life, while earning a decent amount of money, while remaining completely unknown, I'd take that deal!
Obviously at some point you need to be more flexible, but that's a risky position to be in, unless the people who invest in you fully trust you as an artist.
Even when producing music and DJing was my main job, I could already feel it, if I don't produce something a label would want to sign, I would not get booked, which means I wouldn't make any money. Suddenly the thing I enjoyed doing so much on my own terms, became a job.
That's when I lost my passion for producing that specific kind of music, it was super time consuming and for some reason I then started doubting every creative decision I had to make.
Luckily, not long after that, I ended up making my first short film "Bipolar - A Narration of Manic Depression", that opened up a whole new world and (in a way) brought me to where I am at right now.
But talking about "Bipolar" and how all that happened is definitely a whole post, that I intend to write at some point.
But I guess my point is, having one or multiple outlets is essential for a person's sanity.
So, what are my plans for Christmas? I definitely want to watch a couple of movies at some point, Home Alone (easily in my top 10 movies list, that score alone... John Williams is a fucking genius), Gremlins, Nightmare Before Christmas. I'll probably spend some time in my studio later, either working on some beats or an interview I did together with my friend John. Here's a photo from that day:
And hopefully later when my two best friends are done with their family obligations, we'll watch Killer Klowns from Outer Space (it became a Christmas tradition of ours, or at least I want it to be one) and then we'll go to my game room and play some video games.
It's bitter sweet though, I do love being here, in the house I grew up in, filled with memories of past Christmases, spending it with childhood friends.
But it's obviously impossible not to compare how things have changed over the years.
Even when I think back to Christmas in 2016, things were already difficult with my mother, but compared to now it at least felt a bit more like a holiday.
And this is not some self pity shit, I'm just analyzing it, change is good and important, I'm a big fan of change. But it definitely shows me that the life I once had here, keeps fading away, year after year, shit..., even month after month.
And every time I return, I do appreciate the memories I made, and I miss my friends a lot when I'm not here, but it becomes more and more obvious to me that LA has become my future, my new home.
“Why do we kill all those Christmas trees just to celebrate one birthday?”
I have to say, I did enjoy writing this and I can see myself doing it again.
But other than that, this could be fun.
- Daniel
